


Can't Stand It Anymore

by Romennim



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, POV Male Character, POV Second Person, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 12:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're running. And running and running and running.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Stand It Anymore

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Italiano available: [Non Ce La Faccio Più](https://archiveofourown.org/works/687016) by [Romennim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romennim/pseuds/Romennim)



> **Beta:**[](http://1lostone.livejournal.com/profile)[ **1lostone**](http://1lostone.livejournal.com/)    
> A little thing to make my head get used again to write.. the exams ruin my creativity.

You're running. And running and running and running.  
It feels like you've been running for ages.  
The corridors are endless; time motionless, like everything is steadily going to hell, but at the same time everything is still, waiting.

You keep on running, and anguish slowly eats at your heart; you feel it, know it clearly: you're not being fast enough; you're not getting closer to where you need to be and something horrible, unconceivable is happening. And you are so, so sure of it, that your knees threaten to buckle, to give out under that knowledge.

Suddenly your destination looms in front of you. Your heart can't help missing a few beats and your mind panics, because it finally realizes where you were running to, and the probable reason.

Sickbay, with its sickening odor of disinfectants and diseases.

Suddenly it seems to you that there's too much silence in the corridor, in your mind, in the whole ship.  
You feel a cold shiver up your spine and you violently tremble inside because that's the same sensation you get before a patient loses their life.  
You want and at the same time you don't want to know whose body is waiting for you behind those doors.  
The general, fatal, awful sensation you have is that is one of them, _one_ of _them_.

And you're too late, you're late, you know you are, you know it as you know, deep down, that your life will never be complete again without one of them.  
Is it a wonder, then, that you don't want to know what is waiting for you beyond those walls?

It's like your sweat has frozen on your skin; an unpleasant sensation you can't shrug off, like the present.

You. Don't. Want. To. Know.

You really don't.

But you force yourself to take a step, then another, and another. Because you have to know, and your heart _must_ know.  
You have to know who you failed.

You're in front of the doors. They open. You step inside.

Everything ceases to exist except a clear path to a biobed.

You recognize the body - and the stillness of... _death, death, DEATH_ \- in a heartbeat.

You feel as if the world is slowly spinning and fading and crumbling all around you.  
You don't care because half of your life, your existence, your reason to live is gone, gone, _gone_.

And in the worst way, the only way you knew would pass: by your failure.  
Your hands, your talent, the thing you dedicated your life to, has failed.

 _YOU_ have _failed_.

How can you ever accept that? How could you look at Spock...

_Dear God, no, no, no._

You'll never be able to look at him in the eyes, because you failed, you _failed_.

 

"Leonard, wake up."

The voice booms in the stillness of the room and everything - the room, the odors, the bed, the body, the death - begins to fade away.

 

You jerk awake with a gasp and your eyes begin to roam around frantically, but it's what you feel at your back that calms you down a bit: there's a warm body pressing against your back and strong arms encircling you.  
You're instantly calmer and if it had been a different situation altogether, you would have smiled: Spock knows exactly what to do to anchor you to reality.

Spock's presence in your mind helps you to focus on your surroundings and you realize that you are in the small bed you set up ages ago in your office in Sickbay so that you can check more quickly on at-risk patients. You think about all the times Jim got angry at you for the nights spent...

Your mind catches up with your musings.

_Jim!_

__You try frantically to disengage yourself from Spock's embrace, but he tightens his hold on you and whispers:

"Leonard, be calm. It was only a nightmare."

At first it's as if your mind can't understand what has been said and so you try to protest.

"But Jim..."

In your heart you think that it would be too good if that were the truth, if that had been just a nightmare... but your mind isn't convinced yet: life just doesn't give you what you wish and life with Jim and Spock is what you desire and need.

Spock must have understood or sensed your thoughts, because he kisses your neck and swiftly gets up from the bed.  
In an instant he is in front of you, reaching out for you with a hand. You shakily take it and he helps you to stand up.

There's a moment of indecision where you two just stand there, still, looking at each other.  
You avert your eyes, because Spock's gaze is too heavy, and you're afraid, still shaken, not sure you'll be able to walk through that door.  
You don't think you're ready to know, but you _need_ to see for yourself. Even if you know Spock would never lie to you.

You take a deep breath, square your shoulders and go out. The sudden lights of the room momentarily dazzle and stop you.  
When your eyes have adjusted, you spot him immediately. Something in you is drawn immediately to his familiar and beloved form.

He lays there, still in his bed, alone in the all room, and your trained eyes immediately spot the slight, almost non-existent, rise and fall of his chest.  
You exhale with relief and the muscles on your back ease immediately.  
Your heart leaps with joy.

A hand at the small of your back urges you to go forward and you follow the suggestion.  
You stop beside him and the sight that greets you isn't all that great, but in this moment, for you, is one of the best you've ever seen.

Jim is there, eyes closed, skin pale and haggard, but alive. His breathing is what your mind, your heart focuses on. He's there, alive. In the same bed as in your dream, but alive.  
You notice the bandages wrapped around his waist and stomach and stare at them.  
You can't remember why they're there. Why can't you remember?

Your fingers brush against them lightly, even unconsciously, and you close your eyes for a moment. How many times have you seen something like this?  
Sometimes you wonder how you can bear all of this - the uncertainty, the not-knowing, the waiting, the rush, that torn flesh under your hands... the risk of death under your care. You really can't say.

"You saved him again, do you see?"

Vulcans must have telepathic powers besides the touch-related ones, because if not, they must have magic. Or, at least, Spock must have it, because how can he always know what to say to you and when? How can he always know the right thing to tell you?  
How did he become so good at knowing you?

You move a bit behind to lean against him. His body, strong against yours, calms your emotions even more.  
You close your eyes a moment and he briefly embraces you.  
You walk closer to the bed again and gaze at Jim. His chest is still going up and down.  
It's as if you can't take in enough of this sight.  
You lean over a bit, kissing him on his cheek, near his closed eye.  
The touch of his skin against your lips seems to anchor you even more to reality, and you'd like to touch him even more, to make sure he's here and alive and safe, but you restrain yourself and take a step back. Jim goes on sleeping as if nothing happened.

"We could stay here." Spock says, and you can almost picture him eyeing you carefully.

You don't answer, turn and go near him.

"I..." you try. "I just needed to see."

Spock nods minutely.

There's something you want to say, but the words seem to be stuck in your head. A part of your mind doesn't even want to say them, because saying them would make them truer than how much they already are.

But you need to tell them. At least to him.

"Spock..." you try, then take a deep breath. "I don't know how much more of this I can take... Every..." you falter, a lump in your throat. You try again, because you need to say this. "Every time is harder. I... I can't stand it anymore."

You gaze at him and the deep understanding you find in those dark eyes comforts you a bit, even if not enough.

Spock turns his gaze to Jim for a moment, then to you again.

"I understand exactly what you mean. And Jim knows you feel this way."

Your eyes widen slightly in surprise.

How...?

A brief expression of sad consideration crosses Spock's face.

"Your nightmares are getting worse, are they not, Leonard?"

You drop your gaze for a moment, blushing lightly.  
You just nod.

"We were right then."

A pause.

"Jim is seriously considering resigning his commission."

At that you look at him incredulously.

"WHAT?" you can't help but shout.

Spock flinches a bit at the volume of your voice.

"He, he..." you stammer, still in shock. "He can't resign because of this!!" you pause a moment. "For me!"

"Leonard, please, do not shout."

You stare at the wall beside you, trying to calm down.  
They'd discussed him and his nightmares, about Jim resigning his commission, and neither of them thought of sharing this with him?  
You feel a bit hurt for the fact that they didn't discuss any of these things with you.  
Why did they do it? Why leave you out?

Spock touches your chin to make you turn and you sense him at the edge of your mind.  
You let him read your thoughts since you know he finds it easier to deal with your turbulent emotions if he knows and understands them so deeply.

His eyes widen briefly at one point and you close yours.  
The feeling of betrayal still lingers in your mind and you try to push it aside, to prevent it from getting more important than it is and to prevent Spock from seeing it.  
You don't think you have been very succesful, when Spock briefly caresses your cheek.  
Your surprise at the gesture makes you open your eyes to look at him.

He's gazing at you quite seriously.

"It was only a brief talk, done by chance. We wanted to have you with us to discuss everything more fully. And Jim only told me he thought about resigning a few times... He didn't want to decide anything without discussing it with us beforehand, Leonard."

He caresses you a bit more.

"You should know this of us by now."

Now, you feel a bit ashamed at your quick condemnation.  
You nod.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just that..."

"That after the maelstrom from your nightmare, I only destabilized you even more with my announcement."

How sweet of Spock for defending you so. Even if this time maybe you don't deserve it.

"Yes... Something like that."

A flicker of amusement passes in Spock's eyes and you can't help but smile lightly in reply.

Spock's hand leaves your chin, but his soft gaze doesn't leave yours for a moment.

"I cannot know about the future, Leonard, but, please, for now, focus on one thought."

You give him a quizzical look.

"Jim is here, alive and breathing for another day, because of you. Only because of you."

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on July 27th, 2010


End file.
